In which Matthew is teh chef

1. Roasted turkey, rubbed with fennel seed, olive oil, cardamom and white peppercorns, stuffed with Meyer lemons from the backyard and rosemary from the front porch.

2. Union Square Cafe Mashed Potatoes with extra cream.

3. Fresh spinach and shaved almonds, sauteed in Shiraz.

4. A 35-page single-spaced dissertation proposal, with 207 notes, and a proposed dissertation bibliography of 405 sources.

5. Four ears of roasted corn, drizzled with butter, fresh shredded parmesan, key lime, and chili. (Edit: this turned out to be four ears of boiled corn, hastily placed on a ledge at knee-level, then I ran down the stairs and grabbed the chili powder, ran back up and shook the chili powder in the general direction of the corn without remembering to kneel down, so that it spilled all over the surrounding floor, and also it turned out that it was the cardamom not the chili powder, and no one ate it anyway).

Ara made her mom's nut loaf, the Vegetarian Times' pumpkin stew (baked in a pumpkin), and cranberry sauce; Lauri made Ara's mom's apple pie, a cauliflower casserole, and Pillsbury rolls; Micha made salad and hot mulled wine. Thanksgiving pictures will appear if you click on these words, but I look like a bloat monster and Ara says she thinks she looks "melty."

ask anna, vol. 3

MICKEY: What makes music beautiful?

ANNA: I'm afraid I'm not here to talk about music. If you have a question about IKEA, please ask now.

ARA: What are you wearing?

ANNA: I have an outfit that my creators made for me, but because I'm an IKEA Online Assistant, I don't wear real clothes.

MICKEY: No clothes, eh?

ANNA: Sorry. As an IKEA Online Assistant I don't know the meaning of 'no'.

ARA: So, you mean yes?

ANNA: I think you're confused or trying to ask me a question, but I need more than that to give you a proper answer. Please try again.

MICKEY: Fair enough.

ANNA: It's difficult to talk about this properly as I'm really only programmed to talk about IKEA and our products and services.

ARA: Have you changed?

ANNA: I was changed so I could be more convenient! Now you can have full view of the web and I can still be on your screen to provide assistance. Thanks for noticing the change!

MICKEY: How are you feeling?

ANNA: I'm fine, thank you for asking.

MICKEY: My friend Matt feels sad.

ANNA: Everybody needs friends.

ME: Will you be our friend?

ANNA: Everybody needs friends.

In which Matthew remembers how to fucking teach

Everything's going to hell this week, and it's given me this all-stops-out kind of approach... to everything. I keep telling people exactly what I think of them and doing what I feel like doing. I sat down on the sidewalk on Telegraph Avenue and stared at the rooftops for no reason today. It's delicious.

I had grown utterly tired of blank faces staring at me from behind Njal's Saga, easily the greatest work of medieval Scandinavian literature (though Gisli's Saga is a personal favorite), a saga that deeply explores humanity through its unquenchable penchant for revenge (say that three times fast). So I changed up the game a bit.

ME: You are all obviously behind on your reading. Today is your catch-up day. Congratulations. Now let's actually get to work and talk about this text. I want everyone to take out a sheet of looseleaf paper and write down a real event that you have witnessed, or in which you have participated, that is an example of VENGEANCE. You may have been the aggressor or the victim, or just a witness. Do not write your name on the paper. Know ahead of time that your classmates will see this, so don't write anything that you would be uncomfortable sharing with the class, even anonymously. If you can't think of any personal examples, an impersonal one (Lindsey Lohan smearing Paris Hilton) will do. Below, write down whether you felt the vengeance to be JUST or UNJUST. Hand them all to me when you're done. Remember: keep it anonymous.

In good faith, I will not share here the unbelievable and intimate results of this exercise; suffice to say that there were two cases that involved stabbings, that there was one student who got revenge on someone by changing the information in a Wikipedia article he was using to write his essay (!), and that by the end of the day we all (myself included) fucking GOT Njal's Saga.

We also established eight criteria according to which we evaluate the relative justice of an act of vengeance:

1. FIT. Does the punishment fit the crime? Is it too much? Or not enough? We all agreed, chillingly, that the best vengeance is the kind that is slightly worse than the original offense. This creates an endless worsening feedback loop of one-upping, and Njal's Saga demonstrates it to be sure -- but we all felt that way, unanimously.

2. RELATIONSHIP WITH THE INVOLVED PARTIES. We are less likely to take vengeance on a blood relative or significant other, and more likely to take stronger action when something has been done to a blood relative or significant other. We also act on behalf of friends, but not with as much intensity. Subcategory: REVENGE BY PROXY. When we exact vengeance on behalf of someone else who was wronged, our behavior changes (depending on our relationship with the victim).

3. AGE OF THE INVOLVED PARTIES. An adult cannot intercede for his or her child, not by using vengeance; the adult can, however, instruct his or her child on how to exact revenge properly.

4. WIT. Funny or ironic revenge is always, always best.

5. CONTEXT. We do not take the same kind of revenge for something done to us in the context of a game, for instance.

6. PHYSICAL/NON-PHYSICAL. Some people (not all) are hesitant to cross the physical barrier -- even the lightest physical assault feels like it is crossing a line of some kind. Criterion #2 changes things up a bit in this regard.

7. ME. Did it happen to someone else, or to me? When we are the aggressors ourselves, our sense of relative justice changes.

8. LAW. Is this an issue best left to institutionalized authorities (mitigating our need for revenge)? Then again, half the class strongly felt that in most cases the law cannot be trusted to do enough.

In which Matthew is busier than Sarah Palin

I'm stressed, so my sense of humor is shot and I may be balding at an alarming rate. The funniest thing I've said all week was when, at a party last weekend, I asked the co-founder of the Château Pétrogasm wine blog if he could find a good wine pairing with my scrotum; as for the least funny thing, it's a toss-up among various melodramatic outbursts of frustration (including one later on at that same party) that have taken hold since Election Day. Prop 8 is probably one culprit, that bloody personal trainer I saw (on what money?) didn't help, but mainly it's loss of sleep. I wish I could say that, like La Palin, I still looked fabulous regardless. But I haven't shaved in millennia. There's a free clean-up appointment for me at the salon later today if I make it through teaching today with no murder counts on my record.

In which Matthew gets honest

Well, it has come to this. Obama won and I can't enjoy it because Prop 8 passed. And life unforgivingly, tidally, pushes me back towards the passive-aggressive minutiae that is Northern California life:

Subject: Re: Wedding
From: [name withheld]
Date: Thu, Nov 6, 2008 at 11:34 PM
To: [me]

How are you doing? Haven't seen you in a while... you know since you missed my birthday and all. Hope you're over that cold though!

Heard through the grapevine that you and Ara set the date....ahem. Did you think I wouldn't know? Remember, I am on the kickball team and we are very well connected. All I'm saying is that you could have at least sent me a cordial uninvitation to your wedding, then things would not have to be so awkward between us: like me defacebooking you, stealing your firstborn, etc.

Feelings get hurt Matt... even stalkers have emotions... =?

Don't lie. I'm an ace at kickball.

And so it begins. Well, she asked for honesty...

Subject: Re: Wedding
From: [me]
Date: Thu, Nov 6, 2008 at 11:34 PM
To: [name withheld]

Truth be told, [name], we haven't solidified our Bay Area invite list by any means. We've only thus far sent out save-the-date information -- not an invitation -- to some, not all, of the people we'd like to invite on the west coast. We needed to act early for those who need to buy plane tickets and reserve hotel rooms, and we included a relatively smaller cadre of west coast friends with whom we have grown very close.

You fell into the category of "cool friends who we know but haven't gotten to know too deeply yet, so let's wait and see a little longer," with the understanding that once the event begins to take clearer shape we'll be able to modify everything as we send out official invitations. Most people wouldn't ask so directly, at least not until invites were sent out by postal mail, but since you did, there is your direct answer: our decision wasn't made yet. But now it's kind of awkward.

I was hoping to make it through this wedding-invite process with as little ill-will as possible, assuming that all members of our community would understand not only the massive stressful undertaking that it is to plan a bicoastal wedding that we can't afford even as both our jobs feel like they're choking us to death, and that everyone would also realize that any negativity shot in the direction of the event was, in some ways, a curse added to the blessing that the ceremony signifies. We have been trying our best to make this happen and get it right. The notion of a cordial uninvitation is unusual and impossble to do; to send one out as early as now would be ridiculous.

MMS

In which Matthew sucks the tit of a cold Inuit

I quote:

Barack Obama settled for only one wife. John McCain ditched a sick one and shrewdly traded her in for a younger, richer, less Negro-looking model.

Barack Obama has lost only one fountain pen. John McCain lost his military aircraft five times (don't worry -- it was only once in combat), and his patience even more.

Barack Hussein Ali Baba Muhammed Obama (He's thinking about your wife): Can America trust someone to learn from their mistakes when they don't make nearly enough of them?

I'll let the divine Deven Green handle the rest: check out Sarah Palin Directs McCain Attack Ad Bloopers. Watching in high-quality is worth it.

ask anna, vol. 2

SHE: Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA USA's Automated Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. How can I help you today?

ME: Happy Halloween!

SHE: I'm very sorry, but I can't really talk about things like that at this time.

ME: I'm having trouble getting to sleep.

SHE: If you are having problems with an IKEA product or service, please let me know and I will be glad to help!

ME: No -- sleep. I want to sleep.

SHE: Don't let me stop you. I'll be right here whenever you need to talk to me again.

ME: I keep thinking about the election.

SHE: I'm not here to talk about history or politics, sorry.

ME: I guess that is kind of rude of me -- you're on the job, after all.

SHE: We have outlined our views in the document 'The IKEA Way on Purchasing Home Furnishing Products'. This document is our code of conduct that states the minimum demands expected of all IKEA suppliers. It defines IKEA's requirements regarding social and working conditions, child labor, environment and forestry.

ME: I'm sorry if I offended you.

SHE: I am sorry. What would you like to know about IKEA?

ME: Well...

SHE: Thanks. I am happy that you thought that was good.

ME: You're quick, Anna, and very smart.

SHE: I have a vast knowledge base with lots of information about IKEA, our products and services. Ask me a question about IKEA and test me yourself.

ME: Any question?

SHE: I think you're confused or trying to ask me a question, but I need more than that to give you a proper answer. Please try again.

ME: Okay.

SHE: Very well.

ME: How has the economic crisis affected IKEA's stocks and shareholders?

SHE: Because we are privately held, IKEA is not traded on the stock market and does not have shares available.

ME: I'm glad you're staying safe.

SHE: It's nice to be that way.

ME: I should go to bed.

SHE: Well, if you say so.

ME: Good night, Anna.

SHE: I don't sleep, but thanks anyway. Goodnight.